


the state of the magnus institute's google maps review page (circa october 18, 2018)

by ceruleancats



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humor, Reviews, i know google map reviews aren't in chronological order but dont @ me, inspired by a tumblr post
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25596184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ceruleancats/pseuds/ceruleancats
Summary: The Magnus Institute has some....interesting reviews on Google Maps.
Comments: 46
Kudos: 222





	the state of the magnus institute's google maps review page (circa october 18, 2018)

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a [tumblr post](https://dickwheelie.tumblr.com/post/624921217647902720) by dickwheelie because it sounded like such a fun concept that I couldn't NOT write it.
> 
> Enjoy, and lmk which review is your favorite if you're so inclined!

All Reviews

—

Naomi Herne  
3 reviews  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 2 years ago  
I spent 20 minutes spilling my guts about the worst thing that’s ever happened to me to your piece of shit Head Archivist and he told me to get therapy. If I could give you zero stars I would. Fire him.

— 

Lionel Elliot  
2 reviews  
★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ 2 years ago  
Gave my statement here. The man who took it was nice enough, if slightly grumpy. I’m deducting one star because he wouldn’t take my tooth apple as evidence, which seems unfair after all the trouble I went through to preserve it (my fridge will never be the same).

— 

Sasha James  
4 reviews  
★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ 2 years ago  
I got stalked by a strange spirally man with knife hands because I work here. My coworkers are pretty cool, though, so these stars are for them. Just watch out for the worms when you come here (the spiral man showed me how dangerous they are, and it's not a joke). Also, don't go into Artifact Storage. You can thank me for that one later.

— 

Melanie King  
12 reviews  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 2 years ago  
what a fucking waste of time!!!! your head archivist made me record my statement into a goddamn TAPE RECORDER, first of all, like what is it, 1970? and then he had the nerve to tell me to my face, after i spent 15 minutes giving my statement, that i imagined everything?? like hello???? i do this shit for a living, and you don’t think i know the difference between dreaming about supernatural shit and actually seeing it? fire him right fucking now. will absolutely never be coming back.

— 

Jane Prentiss  
5 reviews  
★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ 2 years ago  
too many eyes here and people keep stepping on my worms :( what did they ever do to you :((

—

Not Sasha James  
3 reviews  
★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ 1 year ago  
The Archives are a lovely place to work! Downright spacious! I'm having a wonderful time settling in :)

— 

Not Melanie King  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 1 year ago  
jonathan sims continues to be the most insufferable person on the fucking planet. jesus christ you ask after one employee and all of a sudden you’re being fuckin gaslit. you people are so annoying god bless

— 

Alice Tonner  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 1 year ago  
Elias Bouchard you are going to hell. I will make sure of it.

— 

Jude Perry  
1 review  
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ 1 year ago  
Holy shit your Archivist is so funny. Gullible bitch lmao

— 

Melanie Queen  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 1 year ago  
elias bouchard is a monster and needs to die. do not fucking work here.

— 

Nikola Orsinov  
15 reviews  
★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ 1 year ago  
Your Archivist Needs To Take Better Care Of His Skin. Maybe You Can Recommend Him Some Skincare Routines, Elias (If That’s What You’re Calling Yourself These Days).

— 

Melanie Insert Monarch Here  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 1 year ago  
holy shit just fucking die already!! nobody is buying that “beating heart of the institute” shit you massive prick!

— 

M. King  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 1 year ago  
let. me. out. right. the. fuck. now.

— 

Tim Stoker  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 1 year ago  
everybody here sucks. don’t waste your time coming here, and definitely don’t work here unless you want to be eaten by fucking worms. also elias if you’re reading this go fuck yourself.

— 

Jared Hopworth  
2 reviews  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 10 months ago  
THE KNIFE GIRL IS REALLY MEAN SHE TRIED TO STAB ALL OF MY HEARTS GOOD THING I HAVE THIRTEEN OF THEM :-)

— 

M. K.  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 7 months ago  
i am going to fucking kill jonathan sims. or his reanimated corpse or whatever the fuck kind of eldritch creature he is now

— 

P. L.  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 7 months ago  
Martin told me that I can type words here and eventually Elias will probably see them, so let’s see… Elias, your Institute is awful, and I’ve no idea how you get any work done with these people around everywhere! It’s completely exhausting. Every time I see someone in the hallway, I simply throw them into the Lonely, and still they persist! How are there so many of them? One tried to make polite conversation with me yesterday and I wanted to die. I am in Hell, and it is entirely your fault. When you get out of jail, you will come sign the divorce papers immediately or I will stop funding your little Institute. Regards, Peter

—

Jared Hopworth 2  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 6 months ago  
THIS RIB SUCKS WHY’S THERE EYES IN IT :-(

— 

hELeN  
8239623895709283409 reviews  
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ 6 months ago  
i gOT spIRALeD hEre bESt eXpERIencE oF My liFe 10/10 wOuLd reCoMMend aLSo tHe ArcHiviST anD hIS BoyFriENd aRE hILAriOUS yOU’vE reaLLy gOT to TalK tO tHeM tHE enTErtaINmenT vALuE iS pHenoMenAL

—

Basira Hussain  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 5 months ago  
Just stay away from this place. For your own good.

—

Anonymous  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 4 months ago  
DO NOT GO HERE. One of their employees is an actual stalker and also some kind of trauma vampire, and he assaulted me at a restaurant and made me tell him everything about the most terrible thing that’s ever happened to me. Please, whoever he is, FIRE HIM! He’s deranged, and it’s not okay for people to go around eating other people’s trauma!

— 

A. Cane  
8 reviews  
★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ 3 months ago  
The Archives are such a nice home for spiders of all shapes and sizes ::::)

— 

Simon Fairchild  
3 reviews  
★ ★ ★ ★ ★ 2 months ago  
Martin the Archival Assistant is an absolute delight. I came here as a favor, but I would gladly come back again for another chat with him. What an amusing fellow! I shall have to pick an especially nice rollercoaster to throw him off of.

— 

Bye Bitches  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 2 months ago  
holy shit i’m getting out. holy fucking shit. bye bitches, i won’t miss you, kiss my ass i’m FREE

— 

Georgina Barker  
7 reviews  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ 1 month ago  
My girlfriend literally gouged her eyes out to stop working at this place so...make of that what you will.

— 

Martin Blackwood  
10 reviews  
★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ 2 weeks ago  
I met the love of my life here, but I also almost got killed several times and nearly faded away (literally) from supernatural depression. So, you know, it evens out.

— 

Jonathan Sims  
1 review  
★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ 1 week ago  
Working here turned me into an eldritch creature serving a terrible voyeuristic god of knowledge. Also my boss framed me for murder. Not really ideal. But I met my boyfriend here, so I'm adding one star for that.

—

You're Dead Sims  
1 review  
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ Today  
Jonathan Sims I swear to fucking God if this is your fault and you're still alive me and your ex are going to track you down and end you.

—


End file.
